Why I'm Choosing Solo Joy Over Social Pressure
- Starleetah Gaddis
- Aug 18
- 4 min read
Everyone's talking about girls' trips, cousin's trips, and girl tribes...
And trust me, I love that for me and us.
The fellowship, the shared laughter, the group chat recaps and reels? Say less. I'm always down.
But lately, I've been needing a different kind of joy.
A quieter joy, a slower rhythm, and a softer presence with myself.
It's not loneliness, or isolation—
It's Solo Joy.
The kind that doesn't require coordination, a shared Google Doc, or applause for actually making it out the chat.
When Midnight Baking Becomes a Revelation
Truth is, I was already deep in my B. Smith meets Martha Stewart, with a heavy dose of Sunny Anderson bag, way before a recent work trip to Los Angeles.
One night, solo joy took over, paired with my menopause-induced insomnia. So of course, I got creative with it and made homemade banana bread by candlelight.
Because...vibes.
Baking by candlelight felt like a whole mood, until I realized it wasn't the flex I thought it was.
10/10 for ambiance, 4/10 would not recommend.
Still, it was quiet, creatively me, and completely mine. A preview of what I'd uncover more fully in LA.
LA Was Loud...But I Found Quiet
LA came with all the noise, conference hustle, outdoor festivals, endless receptions, and back-to-back conversations, all in the name of business networking and visibility.
But even in the buzz, l found something softer.
It was the quiet moment in between.
Morning walks
Riding a bike from Santa Monica to Venice Beach
Breakfast across from a mural of Kobe & Gianna (a very mamba mentality moment)
Freestyling in a rap activation at the Grammy Museum with kid named Tyler (no, not the creator)
A pistachio croissant I didn't have to share.
It was the kind of calm that comes from moving at your own rhythm.
I carried it home...and realized on my flight back, it had been waiting for me all along.
Tracee Said It Best
Somewhere in between cooking, baking, being in my own thoughts, and music, I thought about Tracee Ellis Ross (my fellow Scorpio—Scorpios in 3...IYKYK).
I watched her new solo travel show on Roku, and one thing she said stirred up something in my spirit:
"I need to get out of my own way to allow the freedom of being bad at something in order to discover if I was good at something."
Whew.
A word. Especially for the recovering perfectionist in me.
She also described the emotional and sacred aspects of aging as delicious. And you know what? She's found the sweet spot.
Just like my banana bread (which may have included an extra cup of sugar - that's why it rated 4/10), solo joy is my way of savoring life on my own terms, imperfections and all.
What Solo Joy Actually Looks Like
As a wife, a mom, and grandmother, my time lately rarely feels like it belongs to me.
But now, in this chapter of 45, I'm making space. Not to escape my roles, but to reconnect with me inside them.
Here's what Solo Joy looks like in my real life:
Creating something just because I want to
A solo walk or car ride with nowhere to be
A playlist just for my soul
These moments remind me:
Solo joy doesn't require you to disappear, it invites you to expand.
The Best Advice I Never Forgot
A few years ago, someone told me.
"Star, you don't gotta be on every set."
That gem never left me. At the time, I took it as permission to rest. Now at 45, I hear it as a whole philosophy.
I don't have to be in every room.
I don't have to say "Yes" to every invite (professional or personal).
I don't have to prove I belong everywhere.
Because lately...
Being alone—but deeply connected to myself—feel like quiet joy. Like peace in my 40s.
I'm not missing out—I'm deepening in. I'm not doing less—I'm being in more.
An Invitation for This Next Season
Fall is coming.
Cue "Dear Summer" by Jay-Z.
And with the seasons shifting and the world feeling heavy, I'm craving less noise.
More grounding. More peace.
Fall reminds us that letting go is powerful—and necessary.
(I mean, think of the leaves. They fall unapologetically. Something I do hate for me and my backyard, but still.)
So, I'm letting go of the urge to be everywhere. The need to be everything, to everyone.
No rushing.
No proving.
No performing.
Just presence.
Here's what I'm choosing more of: Showing up unrehearsed and unfiltered.
Peace over performance.
Joy over juggling.
Being more—with less.
No pretending.
No proving.
Less Denzel-ing
(You know what I'm talking about...the polished, got-it-all-together, Oscar-worthy act we put on just to survive some days.)
Because honestly....
I don't gotta be on every set—
And neither do you.
Think about what solo joy looks like for you!
Leave a comment or share this blog post with someone who's also learning to choose presence over performance.
OH MY GOODNESS! This was beautifully written and said! 38, mom of two and reading this felt like confirmation. Trying to keep up and attempting to be someone I once was in a new person I have yet to get to know. Funny about the banana bread. The kitchen is my silent place where I bake and create. It was something that brought me solo joy. I am seeking that again without the worry for the business & just enJOY!